Band Whores

Band Whores. Band Sluts. Groupies.
Whatever you call them; it’s all pretty much the same. You know the ones. If the music scene was college, they would be the excessively obnoxious sorority girls.

If you’ve ever been to a show, you’ve probably seen a few. They’re not a rare breed. These scantily clad pillars of femininity come to venues dressed to the nines with perfect makeup and hair. Seriously, sweetie. You’re at a show. The primary goal of their species is to hook up. With a guy (or girl). From the band. Success is critical to feed their need for attention, low self-esteem, and status-driven lifestyles. Not the easiest creatures to ignore, they slither their way to the front of the crowd. If you refrain from confrontation, or even if you don’t, they will push you out of your spot; all in an attempt to reach the stage. Not really sure the point in that. They don’t really sing. They don’t usually dance. Half the time, they probably don’t even know the band that’s playing. Oh yeah; that’s right. They push to the stage so they can eye-bang the lead singer. Got it.

And it doesn’t stop there. Some of these precious girls even buy advance tickets, so they can sit and flirt pre-show. This is imperative if they want to gain an edge over others of their “kind” and increase their chance of the coveted “hook up.” Once the show is over, it gets even more pathetic. They strut up to band guys, being certain that real or imitation cleavage is in plain view, and shamelessly flirt. Arm stroking, excessive giggling, pretending they know shit about music. (sorry, search engines don’t make you a musical expert, sweet pea.)

While these Gems of Womanhood plague pretty much every musical genre, they seem to be especially prevalent at Pop/Punk shows. Truthfully, this is partly encouraged by the bands. These guys range from seemingly innocent teenagers like Stereo Skyline to twenty-ish year old, CLEARLY risky guys like All Time Low. What are these girls thinking? Oh yeah. Totally forgot. Being in a band makes your cookies yummy. But their dirty secret is that most of them once were card-holding members of the nerd herd and dreamed about starting a band and getting chicks. Some of them are just so darn UN-cute that they should thank their stars that they can capitalize on the ignorance and low self-esteem of mediocre teenage, female society. In an alternate life, lacking a mic, guitar, & amp; of course, they would be working at Radio Shack and hitting on middle-schoolers.

After much observation, it’s obvious that musicians are pretty typical. They run straight for the same type. All the fun, wholesome, music-loving girls need to turn their sights to the dorks in AV club and geeks in marching band.

Ah. Lesson learned.